With eerie thoughts running in my mind right now, especially after reading a FB post shared by a friend about losing one of her relatives, I am penning down what I exactly fear about "death".
I must have been less than six years (for I hadn't started schooling then) the first time I remember confronting death. There was this neighbour boy in the army family line where we grew up, who used to play with us. One day he fell sick and soon the news of his demise held us. I faintly remember going for his funeral rites with my mother to offer our prayers and condolences. That was it...for sometimes.
The hardest blow was when we lost our eldest brother to a fatal accident in December, 1990. His death shook the world out of us. Even as I child, I feared if I would live long enough to remember those days, alongside the fear of living with uncertainty. I have witnessed how a family struggles to ignore memories, puts on smiles of unknown and pretends to live like there is nothing different. My family, over the years, has tried to overcome any excuses of not standing firm, and when asked about that incident, we push it aside like it never happened. But deep within, the wound is still afresh, the pain is still intense and the tears ain't dried.
All the way, the memories have helped me to prepare for the fears, while, you know, not the best preparation. At some points in my life, I wanted to pursue spiritualism and shy away from the mundane world. I was so scared of leaving the beautiful world and all the fascinations of the wonders. Some kind of craziness creeped in me.
Fast forward. I got webbed in the every day routine. Completed college, got a job, started a family and now...now dead worried about the future of my children. In fact, to the extend of drawing a mental plan of baby-sitting my grandchildren [crazy]!
|This explains (from FB)|
Well, I am still thinking about death. It is there in my everyday thought, and controls the way I live. I often dream about it - and the fear is just the same, even in the dreams. I wake up to be thankful for another day. Life is going on as it is.
All I know is while I live, I live. Should I do any day, I want no scores left to be settled. I smile at the thought that I have been one happy-go-lucky all these years. Work is fantastic, family is even more fantastic and my world a beautiful globe. Except that...I will feel sad, the way I feel sad when I hear about a dead.
To say, I am cherishing the "GAP" between birth and death.