Thursday, August 30, 2012

A Child of My Own

I became a mother at 15; Lilly was born in 1998 when I had just begun my 9th standard. Her presence in the house was a total joy, we all loved having a little soul around us. From the day she reached home from the hospital, I took it on to myself to be her surrogate mother - bathing her, changing her diapers, feeding and all other miscellaneous tasks of bringing up a child.

Then came Lucy when I was in my first year of College. I still remember walking back to the hostel after reading the mail from my brother stating the arrival of the second. It was December 2001 and I needed to wait few months before I could come home for break. Sadly, with Lucy I couldn't spend much time except those annual breaks in the four years of College. But she being an independent child in herself grew very amiably. 

2006 and our little Man R was born to my sister and brother-in-law. Immediately, he became the cynosure of the family. The girls were super excited to have a younger sibling. The 18 months he was with me, I enjoyed every day taking care of him. Today, we look back to the memories and can't really believe that our Mr. R is already in Grade II. Of course, the distance between us is immaterial, everyday we exchange number of calls, mostly to update about what R is up to. He is one of a kind and we miss him very much.

2009, I became mother to my Hubby's ten year old. Leksh hid behind a chair when I walked into the house. She was shy but that shyness didn't last long. In due course of time, she and I were to share a wonderful relation, even more beautiful than a mother-daughter. One time I asked if she minded my presence and she said, "I wanted to meet you even earlier." Ya right, KP and I began dating since 2007. 

With this handful of lovely kids in my life, I have almost forgotten that I haven't thought of having one of my own. I am so occupied tending to them: cooking for the girls, buying parcels for little R and worrying about their studies that in my spare time, I just collapse and drift into a long slumber. Until someone asks me, "No child of your own?"

That sets me to wonder if something is missing in my life. Yes, I would love to have a child of my own, someone I can always call my own creation. The kids will be excited too, all of them are that sociable-love-kind-of children and they are real care-givers. I am not scared of these children walking out of my life later, but the fact remains that they are not from me, but a part of me somehow

Then I say, "No worries mate, we are working hard." (Is that some kind of hard work?)

Monday, August 27, 2012

My Soul-Mate

In Paulo Coelho's Brida, he talks about soul-mate. The inert message indicates how the person we are entitled to spend our life with today need not necessarily be our soul-mate, s/he can be anyone, anywhere. Only the searcher knows who s/he is.

I know who mine is :)

No doubt that I love my Hubby to any extend possible and together we are making a good life. KP is the man I had ever wanted to live with and he swears by heart that I have finally given him a life he wished.With our pledge, we are walking our ways with glory, love and passion. 

But there is this person who entered into my life quite unexpected and continues to fascinate me with his kindness, with his glamour and above all, with his compassion. Just last week he spoke to me after a long time and that instant moment, I recalled how excited I grew. He is not one person I can envision beyond possibility - he is that impossible star in the sky at which I can only gaze and be wishful. He is not even human to me, he is super-human.

I don't complain much to him, he and I can't share anything more than platonic relationship. We set no expectations, no limits, no desires to our friendship. Yes, we are best of friends and worst of strangers. Everything works out in the ways the nature designs, we intervene nothing at all.

I am beginning to wonder if he is my soul-mate (if at all I were searching for one). From the way he regards my presence in his life (in the little ways he shows), I feel I have an enormous role to play. His smile is ever the biggest when we bump into each other, which is very rare, rarer than a daytime star. Couple  of times, he confided in me that I have been a nice soul around him. But he is never sad or unhappy or worried, he is always happy. 

I wonder because he makes me equally happy. He teaches me the lessons of life in his good ways. Like when I said I haven't been well for sometimes and he insisted I was well at that moment, he meant to signify the essence of living in the present. Hours after our five-minute conversation, I kept replaying the message in my mind - LIVE IN PRESENT!

No, I have no expectation set against him and our friendship. Yes, for one he is one of the most wonderful persons in my life, but that doesn't mean I have something extra attached with that tag. I respect him for who he is and know pretty well that when I think of him, he is my smile for the moment.

Somewhere in our past lives, we must have been soul-mates. We must have left a story unfinished and continue to cherish today. I am glad I have this life to acknowledge his presence. Thus, a feel of soul-mate. 

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

My Fussy Hubby

When I decided to get married to KP, there were few things I didn't expect from him. From the start itself, I knew him well - his serious looks, shy smile and 'yes' nature. But with time, he is beginning to get a little fussy, in a good way.

For one, he hates seeing the lazy me. Goodness, the moment he enters the house (if we are earlier than him), he knows how to announce his arrival. My sister's folly that she leaked my childhood nickname and now KP is so fond of calling me by that. So there he enters the house screaming for me. (If we had a son, I know how he will be :)) I often wonder if he sees me as a motherly-figure when back from school???

And he equally hates seeing me busy. For the busy bee I am, I can't sit idle for even a minute, lest that I bury in the bed and drift off to a happy sleep (which he won't allow at any cost). There he complains that I tire myself too much. Does he want me to sit with the remote control in my hand, watching TV whole day long?

Come to clothes and I am so wary of his likes and dislikes. How can I forget this incident! I had worn a tight pair of cotton jeans (while we were still in the 'dating phase') and the entire evening, KP kept a huge vigil on who was looking at what! Even today, he has the same vigilance. When we go out, he keeps a strong eye on what I wear and unless I pass his criteria, he won't budge from the house! 

Also the gifts he showers me with. "Learn to pamper yourself," he would justify. I try telling him that materialism is one of the last necessities in my life but he knows I compromise and sacrifice. He reads me pretty well.

Foods? Thank God, I do cooking most of the time. If he is in the kitchen, he cooks for a mass and insists we eat until we burst. His biggest complain comes from my NOT eating adequately. I defend if I am not known to the capacity of my own tummy. (In a way, our dialogues are so obsolete and same, but we are not tired of them as yet...a long way to go!).

The best part is when we fuss (thankfully, this is not anymore a regular scene!). I end up bursting every time, swearing hard that I would never talk to him. He is temperamental, he will go high on graph and gradually melt away, whereas I take hours to come out of the blues. In his sober state, he is always there to cajole me but I hate this comment, "Stop acting like a kid." 

A kid I am with him. He is the mature man, the ideologist. But when I rate him, I qualify him for a fussy Hubby. Only last night, I said I am "enough" with his rules and regulations and he reverted back across the door, "I am enough enough with yours." Our conversation won't end here anyway.  

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Wednesday = Weeping-Day?

I call this a big change in me, say a positive one. Else, by this time I should be doomed to disaster and screaming at my heart's content. I must say I had a terrible Wednesday forenoon today.

It all began like this: Very unusual that we ran out of curry in the morning. I assure the quantity wasn't any lesser than the usual amount and to say we were one person less today. Just before we dashed out of the door, my sister was there preparing omelette for KP who was still saying his prayers. And I had kept a friend waiting at the "junction", her consistent calls made me (and her) anxious. Anyway, the explanation of the "omelette" sufficed her to run back to her staff who were waiting for the keys to office.

I was to attend a meeting at 10:00 a.m. Taking advantage of the one-hour before the meeting, I wanted to rush to the Bank to deposit a cheque for which I needed to get it sealed. Sadly the seals were in my office. So, I drove one round to Changzamtok, only to realize that the shop where we normally keep our office key was locked. I called the shop-keeper, she said she "is coming" but the coming lasted twenty minutes and still no sign. Kezang was getting late for her orientation. With a long face, we rushed back (met the shopkeeper halfway to her shop) and dropped Kezang at the Swimming Pool Junction.

Unknowingly I was there at the Zangdopelri Parking (still the mystery is not figured why I drove there). I took a curvy turn to park the car, walked five minutes and realized what I fool I was. After all, I was to attend the meeting at Taj, and later drive down to Lungtenzampa School to pick up Lilly. She needed to go to the hospital. With a deep sigh, I gave another curvy turn and drove to T-Bank.

I wanted to reach some apples for my friend Pema in DRC. I called her and she asked if I were in the parking lot. I said yes but realized I was parked in front of T-Bank. Feeling sillier at myself, I walked the ten minutes to her office. At the doorstep, I met a friend whose name I spelt wrongly and apologized for being so "haywired" this morning. 

Few minutes later, Lilly texted that she couldn't stay in the class and that she was at her cousin's place. Without much complain, I walked back to the car, picked her up and drove to the hospital. There, the new rule said new medical cases can not be consulted directly with the Physician. I wanted to explode...if a Doctor friend didn't happen to pass by. He was kind to take the consultation. And at the Pharmacy, now it seems no medicine without prescriptions. Anyway, we worked out there.

Lilly wanted to rest at home, so I drove back home but my copies of keys were left inside. I called my Husband and KP said he was in the town running some errands. I sought shelter for Lilly in a neighbour's house and rushed back to work, but realized the data-card wasn't placed back in my bag. For an alternative, I unplugged a friend's and this is what I am using now - I badly wanted to pen down the events before I lose the frustrations.

Any way, I am so glad I took each event with a pinch of patience. Except for the last call to Lilly regarding the data-card, I didn't show any degrading sign of irritation or frustration. I think I am growing in a good way, from the way I seem to take things as they come. At least in the way that I can contain myself until I feel better. 

Better? Goodness me - Mr. Boss called asking me to prepare a presentation about which I have no clue. Before I fight the biggest frustration, I thought I will write this article.

And I have just one question: What did I dream tonight? Uh!

Friday, August 10, 2012

The Starting Note...

"It has come to my notice..." seems to speak my heart almost every now and then, every time there is a new thing happening. My life in the last few months has been taking a roller coaster ride - you know up, down, up, down.

One evening, I confided to my Hubby, "Darls, when will we be ever happy and settled?" Without a doubt, he said, "We will be, one day." But the truth is, the day shall never come. That night in bed, I revisited my past, day by day, event by event. To what people call me 'a strong woman' just because I stand through each ordeal like a well-trained soldier, I seem to have given myself to toughness and fight. True to anyone's observation, I stand through the test of time with all possible patience, rationality and strength. Thus, I have come so far.

That was the moment when I decided I will give a fresh start to my life - from this day on. I am so tired of complaining, of wishing for the right things to happen, of wanting a better day for myself. Unless I make one for myself. 

So long as I continue to dwell in this samsara, I will not be devoid of any sufferings, pains or emotions. There will be people who will like me, who will dislike me, who will love me, who will hate me. There will be moments of joys, happiness, sadness, frustration, gain, loss and what-nots. If I were to go with the flow of each, I will never come at good terms with life. Thus, I have started reading "Gyeltse Laglhen" again.

Yes, there are so many things I need to be thankful about - for instance, the little ounces of happiness that come and go by. I was at the hospital last afternoon undergoing a scan. The radiologist said something funny to which I blurted out a squeaky laugh, almost throwing off his instrument. And in that serene sound of the moment, I sounded so happy and content. What a wonder why I couldn't be that way all the time?

Back home, I took a nap and slept like a little baby. I was empty of any feeling, any thought. When I woke up for a quick lunch, I felt reborn. I wanted to jump around with the feeling of lightness - all because I gave myself in for not-thinking-too-much about anything, or anyone. 

Hence, my starting note is to say that with the fresh new look of my blog, I am here to entertain my readers with positive energy from thus on. No more complains, no more rattling here. I am going to rejoice my life every single moment and be good to myself. This is my pledge.