Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Learning Patience, Being Patient

"Check your blood pressure," my Hubby hushes every time I roar into those tiny moments of anger, which thankfully are not often. And surprisingly in the last few months I have calmed down just as much as the sea - so sober, humble and pathetic. So, this is how one matures with time and experience. (Because, I am going through a wonderful life experience!)

Who would experience such a deadly blow in the middle of the express-way, exactly at the rush hours when the cars speeding by are but flying missiles? Me! Me! Me! Right, last to last week, I was at the Babesa-Thimphu expressway with a flat tire - the time noted 8:25 a.m. and in the car were my school-going nieces (who started fidgeting with fears of getting late) and two lady-friends taking a lift. I, like a C-O-O-L Dude made few calls, arranged to reach the passengers, fixed the tire (my Hubby of course, still in his bathroom slippers and tracks) and rushed down to the workshop like on a normal day!

Back home in the evening, Hubby demanded some lessons learnt and one big explanation from me. I said, "Why bore over the begone past? (sounding like some lunatic poet)" and closed the chapter. [His surprised expression indicated only one conclusion - What is wrong with my wife these days? Why isn't she screaming and cribbing like before? Sorry Hubby, your wife is all calm now...calm as the sea!]

Again. (Yes, I am always in for some adventure.) I locked the car key inside and started casting a drama on the ring-road, again during the morning rush hours. The road in front of my current working place is a total disaster in the morning - we have tens of constructions going on (with their big trucks lined up the road) and the worst part of the road being two-ways. Imagine the traffic in the morning!

Yesterday morning, I was the catch at the traffic with a 30-cm scale in my hand (no, never losing my smile all the way), desperately trying to push open the lock. A friend came to help  - no luck. She left with a small prayer. Another attempt. No luck yet. Another came. No luck. Until few more attempts and bingo, it worked. What surprised me was not the way it worked, but the way I stayed composed and hopeful. It seemed like there is always a way out, no matter in what kind of situation you are. 

Really, this wasn't me few months ago. Then, I went berserk at the slightest tinge of a failed moment. But today, oh I am as casual as anything before me. Back on the chair, I recounted these moments and couldn't help smiling at how patient I tend to be now. Thanks to life, for all the lessons sent my way. To the people who made me what I am today, contributing in all modes (positive/ negative). To all the lessons/experiences/adventures. To the glory of  a life's experience, because life is what you make of it, and not what others think of it. 

Monday, November 19, 2012

Monday Morning Ordeal

At 5:15 a.m. my Hubby's alarm rings (and yes, it irritates my good sleep!) but he pulls himself out from bed only after another 15 minutes. This has been his sincere ritual for the past two months since he began cycling. For some reasons, he is pretty excited about this new joy he discovered on the old bike my brother had shamelessly discarded.

The next 10 minutes run almost in a bustle, I submit my regret for buying the wind-proof jacket which seems to make the most horrible cracking noise in that serene hour of the morning. After planting a kiss, he leaves with the reminder, "Darls, time to get up," and I complain, "Not when you and your jacket disturb my sleep," and I lull back to sleep.

A colleague is supposedly elected in the 2013 election. I run to him with congratulatory excitement, all the way praising him for his capability even otherwise and more so for being a MP-friend! Just as I give him a hug, my friend sheds a teardrop - a sign of happiness. (Fast forward 30 years) - I am a widow and so is this MP-friend (whose wife happens to be another of my many on-off friends). He proposes to me that he had always had a crush on me from our College days to working days and then after. I am wary of the thought that people won't like us getting together after 30 years, but my worry circled more about the grief that I was widowed hardly a year ago.

The intensity of pain - even to think that I will have to live a single day without my Hubby. Having always prayed if KP were to live for a 100 years, may I live for 99 years and 364 days so that I won't have to live even a day without him. I swear I won't be able to pull through, although the reality may come a little harder or more acceptable. 

The colleague explains that he will make the rest of my life happy, despite the grief around our necks. After thorough contemplation, I ride the bus to Phuntsholing to meet him. But no, I am not happy meeting him. I am still sad and uncompromising.

Just then I hear the door creak. KP is back from his cycling. After landing the cycle, he walks into the bedroom, opens the curtains, pulls out his sweaty clothes and begins to exercise. When he sees me wriggling in bed, he comes near me and kisses me, "Wake up Darls, it's almost 7:00 a.m." I pull him closer and hug him tight. I walk out of the bed and give him another hug. He doesn't know for what but I am thanking him for coming back, for being there in the reality.

Because, if he were to live for a 100 years, may I live for 99 years and 364 days so that I won't have to live even a day without him. He is my reality. Weird dreams make him a better reality.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Conversation with God...and I

How I enjoy the solitude, only I know! Especially when my mind is wide open and I let all the wild thoughts run inside me. These are perhaps the only time I remember God (if there be one) in the truest needs. And I His faithful servant.

My life in the last one year has been the most happening - family-wise, friend-wise and also work-wise. On the former front, I just can't believe how things turned out to be. One time it was my people in the drama, other times people from my Hubby's side, but at the end of the day, those who mean good stick by you anyway and those otherwise are worth otherwise. Till date, this is one episode I refuse to let go off - any time I am alone, I think of those bad times. I feel worse at end, imagining how one earth I was made to face all those ordeals. And then there is this unseen force (name it as "God") who gives me all the console I need. The voidness around me shows it was a test I passed, with great pride and delight. I am so much thankful to the situations and the people who created them, for they have given a good start to my life.

When we go for rides, KP often portrays the rare side of his nature - being hurt just as much. It isn't him to take anything to heart but this time round, both of us were victimized for the wrongs we never did. I take his hands and assure that we will be alright, and right beside me stands this God who again assures that all will be alright. True enough, we are faring well despite the pains, hurt and sadness around us.

In bed, before we drift to sleep, we again talk about the turn of events. With this trauma, we cross the thin boundary into sleep and wake up with the thankfulness that we made it again for another glorious day. Often, even in the sleep I am conversing with God! How many times I say the same thing that it's OK to be wronged, OK to be hurt, OK to forgive and forget - I am reciting the lines like it's a mastery for keeps.

Thankfully, the continued conversation helps us feel better. I shall not wait for the judgment day, the judgment is done everyday. I am so assured that God keeps the best for the last - after everything, this is there - our love and happiness.

KP calls me Zala-Abi and says I am no better. When I called him Langur, he thought I was unreasonable. But we both trust this unseen phantom God and we keep our vows strong. Oh by the way, the last conversation I had with God...and I was: "Dear God, for all the wrongs in the world, let the single right be stronger and more matured". And God said, "Silly you, you speak insane. That's why there is only one God and many devils against me." I laughed myself to sleep... for another glorious day. 

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Trying NOT to complain!

Lately, we are going through a financial crisis and it worries me much, perhaps more than what it worries my Hubby. He for one is a man who can stand any kind of situation hitting him and says we will make through. I like to applaud his calmness, if only that were some kind of solace anywhere.

Worse when you parents begin to join in the worry-line. I nowhere wanted them to be a part of this game, they had their enough share while we grew up and now that they are to be relaxed and at home, they shouldn't feature in this drama. Last to last evening, when we went to the town to buy a new piece of furniture, Apa offered his contribution. Very kind of him but must be beg, borrow or steal, we swore not to burden our parents anymore than this.

But that's OK. Everything is momentary, I see a light at the end of the tunnel. There is always a hope called "Everything will be alright one tomorrow (who cares when that tomorrow may come!)". In a way, such situations intangibly help to foster closer relationship and intense thoughts. 

I always blame our little desires for creating such moments. If we hadn't invested our little savings in the new car, may be we wouldn't be fighting odds to end. But then, we civil servants are at the mercy of borrowed investment, without which we will retire being nothing, with nothing. Just think of it - one person's earning is completely into paying rent and consumption for the month. The other person's earning goes into miscellaneous expenses, often your expenditure exceeds your earnings. And to say we are not that lavish kind, you know we are very optimum with our expenditure. Then?

That was the time when we decided to give ourselves a challenge to our survival. We borrowed from all sources possible and made a small investment. Surprisingly, days moved on and debts are followings their own tolls of replacement. Very certain of my parents to worry too much for us but we assure that we are still better off ( the way KP puts his communication skills :)).

As I told a friend, having the right hands to hold is the biggest solace around. A look at KP and I know that he and I will make through the struggles together, with or without the luxuries of life. I am blessed to have him understanding me at his best and it's indeed a pleasure to share every piece of happiness and worry together. Because love is the biggest blessing of all.

Friday, September 14, 2012

Hitting 30…in a Glamorous Way

Today, I am 30 and I already feel on top of the world. The feeling is neither sadness nor unhappiness but sheer jubilant excitement, because I have lived the last 30 years of my life and in my own context “in the best possible way”.

At 30, I never dreamt of being rich (thank God). That saved me from the perils of desire and greed, instead I am so glad for the contentment of a middle-class survivor, struggling almost every day to hop into the next. At times, when the bank balance runs to the last three digits, I tend to worry a bit but when you can do nothing, you might as well smile and wane away the worry-lines.

At 30, I didn’t dream of riding a posh car, instead I am driving my Hubby’s eight-year old car, which badly needed a repaint on the roof and bonnet to save it from looking like as if it just escaped molestation at a flour-mill. But, I am so happy to be riding that tiny box of a necessity.

At 30, I didn’t expect to achieve a high career position, not at the cost of bartering my integrity and honesty. Today, I am just one of those happy go-getters but gladly have not lost my morals. It doesn’t even bother me when people think I am unreasonably stubborn, because I will not loosen myself for something that is not right in any sense.

At 30, I am happily married with tons of kids around me; my lovely nieces and nephew never made me miss not having a child of my own. But I do aspire to be a mother, to completely define myself as a woman, because a woman’s biggest specialty is her ability to maintain the continuity of life, and this is what makes us women the life-givers.

At 30, I am still learning to smile at the smallest happiness around me. I still wear a crazy pair of pyjamas with red, pink and purple strawberries on it. I eat finger chips and parle-G biscuits. I read books like the ‘Diary of a Whimpy Kid’ and watch animated and cartoon movies. I eat raw maggie when I am too lazy to cook. Because, I haven’t grown old in my heart. Growing old doesn’t scare me at all. It makes me celebrate each day that has passed, and helps me look forward to the one approaching. I am also haplessly hoping one day I and my Hubby will be of the same age, because when I met him five years ago, he was years older than me. Over the last five years, I kept adding a year with each Birthday while his calendar is the only constant thing I know. When we become of the same age, I will throw a big party in appreciation to his ability to fight the inevitable aging syndrome (to be taken with a pinch of humour J).

Today at 30, I am relaxed and content. I am not complaining of the things I don’t have, rather I am cherishing the fortunes I have. Life is getting better each day (thankfully, I was quick and wise to choose the right people/things from those who are otherwise), dreams are getting closer (because they are very few and achievable) and moments are growing happier. Hitting 30 comes to be a bigger achievement than I expected, and I am accepting the milestone with the biggest smile in my heart.

I can’t be more generous in this glamour. With this, I thank my ever-there family and wonderful friends for making my life so good. If I have lived well, each of you has marked your significance well. I tell you this: “I am loving it (the McDonald way)!”

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Digging the Past...for a Better Future

When I decided to stand and fight, I knew I had a big reason. So the reason was when I decided to keep a chronology of what happened. Now, that's me, purely me who has to abide by the dates and events. I am talking about what I did yesterday afternoon.

Months after the happenings in my life, I feel like a phoenix reborn out of the ashes of my old self - a better, wiser and stronger person. Without remembering and acknowledging my past, I won't know how to celebrate this feeling [thank you]. Hence, I got down to "Project Past". I dug through the calender, inboxes, mails and my mind (the biggest data-chip) and started ravishing through the rush of the events. Thank God, I wasn't dead for sometimes, everything is still afresh and warm in my thoughts.

Instead of the frustrations and remorse [I felt then], I felt a little kiddish at some of the hedious things, like the nasty mails archived in the inbox. I wasn't keen to read through again, so I copy-pasted the whole stuff in a very seemingly chronicle manner. Eight pages of events was not bad. I quite enjoyed revisiting some of the moments, especially those where I must have thought I were as good as being bad. Anyway. 

Admist, I remembered to call the lawyer who helped me through the phase. His surprise tone indicated it's not everyday that he receives a 'thank-you-note' from his clients. But I had to thank him for instilling the power of right in my fight. 

After I printed and mailed the chronicle to my mailing addresses, I got a sudden jubilant feeling. Perhaps, I was justifying the conviction my family and friends have in me, that "You are a strong woman." Honest, I like to be called that. I like to be judged as someone capable of standing for what's right. A shame if I were to thread on a path much to the dislike of my own existence. 

This attempt will refurnish my future. One day, my children will read this and realize how their parent/s fought through to stand tall against the injustice in life. One day, I will look back as I sit on the rocking chair and thank life for the lessons that made me rejoice every happiness, every tear. 

You can change anything, but the truth. 

Thursday, August 30, 2012

A Child of My Own

I became a mother at 15; Lilly was born in 1998 when I had just begun my 9th standard. Her presence in the house was a total joy, we all loved having a little soul around us. From the day she reached home from the hospital, I took it on to myself to be her surrogate mother - bathing her, changing her diapers, feeding and all other miscellaneous tasks of bringing up a child.

Then came Lucy when I was in my first year of College. I still remember walking back to the hostel after reading the mail from my brother stating the arrival of the second. It was December 2001 and I needed to wait few months before I could come home for break. Sadly, with Lucy I couldn't spend much time except those annual breaks in the four years of College. But she being an independent child in herself grew very amiably. 

2006 and our little Man R was born to my sister and brother-in-law. Immediately, he became the cynosure of the family. The girls were super excited to have a younger sibling. The 18 months he was with me, I enjoyed every day taking care of him. Today, we look back to the memories and can't really believe that our Mr. R is already in Grade II. Of course, the distance between us is immaterial, everyday we exchange number of calls, mostly to update about what R is up to. He is one of a kind and we miss him very much.

2009, I became mother to my Hubby's ten year old. Leksh hid behind a chair when I walked into the house. She was shy but that shyness didn't last long. In due course of time, she and I were to share a wonderful relation, even more beautiful than a mother-daughter. One time I asked if she minded my presence and she said, "I wanted to meet you even earlier." Ya right, KP and I began dating since 2007. 

With this handful of lovely kids in my life, I have almost forgotten that I haven't thought of having one of my own. I am so occupied tending to them: cooking for the girls, buying parcels for little R and worrying about their studies that in my spare time, I just collapse and drift into a long slumber. Until someone asks me, "No child of your own?"

That sets me to wonder if something is missing in my life. Yes, I would love to have a child of my own, someone I can always call my own creation. The kids will be excited too, all of them are that sociable-love-kind-of children and they are real care-givers. I am not scared of these children walking out of my life later, but the fact remains that they are not from me, but a part of me somehow

Then I say, "No worries mate, we are working hard." (Is that some kind of hard work?)

Monday, August 27, 2012

My Soul-Mate

In Paulo Coelho's Brida, he talks about soul-mate. The inert message indicates how the person we are entitled to spend our life with today need not necessarily be our soul-mate, s/he can be anyone, anywhere. Only the searcher knows who s/he is.

I know who mine is :)

No doubt that I love my Hubby to any extend possible and together we are making a good life. KP is the man I had ever wanted to live with and he swears by heart that I have finally given him a life he wished.With our pledge, we are walking our ways with glory, love and passion. 

But there is this person who entered into my life quite unexpected and continues to fascinate me with his kindness, with his glamour and above all, with his compassion. Just last week he spoke to me after a long time and that instant moment, I recalled how excited I grew. He is not one person I can envision beyond possibility - he is that impossible star in the sky at which I can only gaze and be wishful. He is not even human to me, he is super-human.

I don't complain much to him, he and I can't share anything more than platonic relationship. We set no expectations, no limits, no desires to our friendship. Yes, we are best of friends and worst of strangers. Everything works out in the ways the nature designs, we intervene nothing at all.

I am beginning to wonder if he is my soul-mate (if at all I were searching for one). From the way he regards my presence in his life (in the little ways he shows), I feel I have an enormous role to play. His smile is ever the biggest when we bump into each other, which is very rare, rarer than a daytime star. Couple  of times, he confided in me that I have been a nice soul around him. But he is never sad or unhappy or worried, he is always happy. 

I wonder because he makes me equally happy. He teaches me the lessons of life in his good ways. Like when I said I haven't been well for sometimes and he insisted I was well at that moment, he meant to signify the essence of living in the present. Hours after our five-minute conversation, I kept replaying the message in my mind - LIVE IN PRESENT!

No, I have no expectation set against him and our friendship. Yes, for one he is one of the most wonderful persons in my life, but that doesn't mean I have something extra attached with that tag. I respect him for who he is and know pretty well that when I think of him, he is my smile for the moment.

Somewhere in our past lives, we must have been soul-mates. We must have left a story unfinished and continue to cherish today. I am glad I have this life to acknowledge his presence. Thus, a feel of soul-mate. 

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

My Fussy Hubby

When I decided to get married to KP, there were few things I didn't expect from him. From the start itself, I knew him well - his serious looks, shy smile and 'yes' nature. But with time, he is beginning to get a little fussy, in a good way.

For one, he hates seeing the lazy me. Goodness, the moment he enters the house (if we are earlier than him), he knows how to announce his arrival. My sister's folly that she leaked my childhood nickname and now KP is so fond of calling me by that. So there he enters the house screaming for me. (If we had a son, I know how he will be :)) I often wonder if he sees me as a motherly-figure when back from school???

And he equally hates seeing me busy. For the busy bee I am, I can't sit idle for even a minute, lest that I bury in the bed and drift off to a happy sleep (which he won't allow at any cost). There he complains that I tire myself too much. Does he want me to sit with the remote control in my hand, watching TV whole day long?

Come to clothes and I am so wary of his likes and dislikes. How can I forget this incident! I had worn a tight pair of cotton jeans (while we were still in the 'dating phase') and the entire evening, KP kept a huge vigil on who was looking at what! Even today, he has the same vigilance. When we go out, he keeps a strong eye on what I wear and unless I pass his criteria, he won't budge from the house! 

Also the gifts he showers me with. "Learn to pamper yourself," he would justify. I try telling him that materialism is one of the last necessities in my life but he knows I compromise and sacrifice. He reads me pretty well.

Foods? Thank God, I do cooking most of the time. If he is in the kitchen, he cooks for a mass and insists we eat until we burst. His biggest complain comes from my NOT eating adequately. I defend if I am not known to the capacity of my own tummy. (In a way, our dialogues are so obsolete and same, but we are not tired of them as yet...a long way to go!).

The best part is when we fuss (thankfully, this is not anymore a regular scene!). I end up bursting every time, swearing hard that I would never talk to him. He is temperamental, he will go high on graph and gradually melt away, whereas I take hours to come out of the blues. In his sober state, he is always there to cajole me but I hate this comment, "Stop acting like a kid." 

A kid I am with him. He is the mature man, the ideologist. But when I rate him, I qualify him for a fussy Hubby. Only last night, I said I am "enough" with his rules and regulations and he reverted back across the door, "I am enough enough with yours." Our conversation won't end here anyway.  

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Wednesday = Weeping-Day?

I call this a big change in me, say a positive one. Else, by this time I should be doomed to disaster and screaming at my heart's content. I must say I had a terrible Wednesday forenoon today.

It all began like this: Very unusual that we ran out of curry in the morning. I assure the quantity wasn't any lesser than the usual amount and to say we were one person less today. Just before we dashed out of the door, my sister was there preparing omelette for KP who was still saying his prayers. And I had kept a friend waiting at the "junction", her consistent calls made me (and her) anxious. Anyway, the explanation of the "omelette" sufficed her to run back to her staff who were waiting for the keys to office.

I was to attend a meeting at 10:00 a.m. Taking advantage of the one-hour before the meeting, I wanted to rush to the Bank to deposit a cheque for which I needed to get it sealed. Sadly the seals were in my office. So, I drove one round to Changzamtok, only to realize that the shop where we normally keep our office key was locked. I called the shop-keeper, she said she "is coming" but the coming lasted twenty minutes and still no sign. Kezang was getting late for her orientation. With a long face, we rushed back (met the shopkeeper halfway to her shop) and dropped Kezang at the Swimming Pool Junction.

Unknowingly I was there at the Zangdopelri Parking (still the mystery is not figured why I drove there). I took a curvy turn to park the car, walked five minutes and realized what I fool I was. After all, I was to attend the meeting at Taj, and later drive down to Lungtenzampa School to pick up Lilly. She needed to go to the hospital. With a deep sigh, I gave another curvy turn and drove to T-Bank.

I wanted to reach some apples for my friend Pema in DRC. I called her and she asked if I were in the parking lot. I said yes but realized I was parked in front of T-Bank. Feeling sillier at myself, I walked the ten minutes to her office. At the doorstep, I met a friend whose name I spelt wrongly and apologized for being so "haywired" this morning. 

Few minutes later, Lilly texted that she couldn't stay in the class and that she was at her cousin's place. Without much complain, I walked back to the car, picked her up and drove to the hospital. There, the new rule said new medical cases can not be consulted directly with the Physician. I wanted to explode...if a Doctor friend didn't happen to pass by. He was kind to take the consultation. And at the Pharmacy, now it seems no medicine without prescriptions. Anyway, we worked out there.

Lilly wanted to rest at home, so I drove back home but my copies of keys were left inside. I called my Husband and KP said he was in the town running some errands. I sought shelter for Lilly in a neighbour's house and rushed back to work, but realized the data-card wasn't placed back in my bag. For an alternative, I unplugged a friend's and this is what I am using now - I badly wanted to pen down the events before I lose the frustrations.

Any way, I am so glad I took each event with a pinch of patience. Except for the last call to Lilly regarding the data-card, I didn't show any degrading sign of irritation or frustration. I think I am growing in a good way, from the way I seem to take things as they come. At least in the way that I can contain myself until I feel better. 

Better? Goodness me - Mr. Boss called asking me to prepare a presentation about which I have no clue. Before I fight the biggest frustration, I thought I will write this article.

And I have just one question: What did I dream tonight? Uh!

Friday, August 10, 2012

The Starting Note...

"It has come to my notice..." seems to speak my heart almost every now and then, every time there is a new thing happening. My life in the last few months has been taking a roller coaster ride - you know up, down, up, down.

One evening, I confided to my Hubby, "Darls, when will we be ever happy and settled?" Without a doubt, he said, "We will be, one day." But the truth is, the day shall never come. That night in bed, I revisited my past, day by day, event by event. To what people call me 'a strong woman' just because I stand through each ordeal like a well-trained soldier, I seem to have given myself to toughness and fight. True to anyone's observation, I stand through the test of time with all possible patience, rationality and strength. Thus, I have come so far.

That was the moment when I decided I will give a fresh start to my life - from this day on. I am so tired of complaining, of wishing for the right things to happen, of wanting a better day for myself. Unless I make one for myself. 

So long as I continue to dwell in this samsara, I will not be devoid of any sufferings, pains or emotions. There will be people who will like me, who will dislike me, who will love me, who will hate me. There will be moments of joys, happiness, sadness, frustration, gain, loss and what-nots. If I were to go with the flow of each, I will never come at good terms with life. Thus, I have started reading "Gyeltse Laglhen" again.

Yes, there are so many things I need to be thankful about - for instance, the little ounces of happiness that come and go by. I was at the hospital last afternoon undergoing a scan. The radiologist said something funny to which I blurted out a squeaky laugh, almost throwing off his instrument. And in that serene sound of the moment, I sounded so happy and content. What a wonder why I couldn't be that way all the time?

Back home, I took a nap and slept like a little baby. I was empty of any feeling, any thought. When I woke up for a quick lunch, I felt reborn. I wanted to jump around with the feeling of lightness - all because I gave myself in for not-thinking-too-much about anything, or anyone. 

Hence, my starting note is to say that with the fresh new look of my blog, I am here to entertain my readers with positive energy from thus on. No more complains, no more rattling here. I am going to rejoice my life every single moment and be good to myself. This is my pledge.